344     PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI [MAY 29, 1918


	First Officer (in spasm of jealousy). "WHO'S THE KNOCK-KNEED CHAP WITH YOUR SISTER, OLD MAN?" 
	Second Officer. "MY OTHER SISTER."


TALES TOLD TO CIVILIANS.
The FLY.
HAVE I been at the Front! -- O Lor!
Was I over the bags? -- You bet. 
They tell me I won the mouldy war
At the Battle of Nouvillette ; 
The bombs was terrible thick
And the shells was mountain-high, 
And many a Bosch went back to base, 
But I can't say much about what took
place,
For I had a fly in my eye.

We were just getting up to Fritz
When the horrible thing occurred, 
And bang in my eye the blighter sits,
The size of a well-fed bird ;
"Come on," the Officer says ;
I says to him, " 'By-and-by;'
It's all very well to say, 'Come on!'
I would if my arms and legs were gone,
But I've got a fly in my eye."

Have you been on a bicycle, Sir,
And copped it proper the same, 
When the world was only a misty blur
And your eye like a red-hot flame, 
So that you wept great tears,
So that you longed to die?
Well, think what it is when there hap-
pens to be
A battle you specially came to see, 
And then get a fly in your eye.

They say as there ain't no doubt
What I ought to have gone and 
done-	
Turned my upper lid inside out	
And over the under one;	
But I tell you the bombs was thick,	
And never a man said " Hi!:	
Just monkey about with your upper	
lid;"	
So I blew my nose and I wept, I did,	
And I still had a fly in my eye.	

And then, Sir, I just went mad,	
I groped for my trusty hype,	
And I laid about like a Tyneside lad	
With a good blind circular swipe ;	
They tell me I killed ten Huns
And laid out Corporal Fry ;	
The Huns they took to their heels and
fled, 
And even the Company wished me dead,	
And I still had	a fly in my eye.	

I fell on my poor old face,	
I lay in a hole and swore;
And now they call me a shell-shock 
case	
And tell me I won the War;	
They gave me the D.C.M.,
And that's why I seem so shy,
But this is the truth I've told to you,
And you never can tell what a man  won't do
With a darned great fly in his eye.
A.P.H.



SPELLING BY "ANALOGY"
Lady (finishing order at telephone).
And send it to Two hundred and fifty-three, Tanza Road.
Voice over telephone. Two hundred
and fifty-three -- where, Moddam?
Lady. Two hundred and fifty-three, Tanza Road.
Voice. I'm sorry I can't hear you, Moddam.
Lady. Two hundred and fifty-three, Tanza ----
Voice (coldly). Spell it by analogy, Moddam.
Lady.	T for Tommy, A for apple, N for novel, Z for zany.
Voice. Z for what?
Lady. Z for zany.
Voice. I'm sorry I can't hear, Moddom. Z for what?
Lady. Z for zebra.
Voice. Ah, that's better. 


        "Yesterday evening Mr. ---, J.P., auctioneer and farmer, was fired at
	when driving home... Mr. --- , who is an ex-Chairman of the
	--- Rural District Council, is a most popular man in the
	district. For some time past he has been subject to a series
	of annoyances, the most recent of which was the spiking of his
	lands, and his cattle and horses mutilated." -- Irish Paper.

	Popularity in Ireland would appear to have its drawbacks.